many family conflicts get resolved through communication and common sense - these kinds of conflicts are NOT the topic of this blog. there are many books and articles you can search in the internet about these common or normal types of conflict resolution. i will only talk about the conflicts that never gets resolved and as time goes by just snowballs into a shameful, disgusting, sad, and UNBELIEVABLE conflict. it's currently happening within the elders of my family - my aunts and uncles both on my mother and father's side of the family.
the good news is that when a family conflict becomes disgusting, shameful and UNBELIEVABLE, it's actually very easy and simple to resolve. just remember these 2 words:
MENTAL ILLNESS
when a family conflict becomes hopeless it's not anymore misunderstanding or miscommunication. most probably the root cause is a NOT SO OBVIOUS form of mental illness. mental illness is NOBODY'S FAULT. it can happen to anyone. it's out of our control. THERE IS NO CURE. you can only overcome it. it's like a natural calamity. like typhoon yolanda. you simply need to be aware, accept, manage and move on. so it's actually good news because you can just check it off the list and spend the rest of your very short and precious life taking advantage of the many other blessings in your life.
it's that simple. although it might need further explanation and examples that is why this article is very long. the stuff i talk about here can also apply to other personal relationships outside the family.
what i'm teaching here is realistic and practical. it works. it worked on my parents. my parents used to be unhappy because of the unbelievable conflict with their siblings. after i taught them what i'm writing here, they are now back to being happy.
the core of these unbelievable conflicts is mental illness, but it's just a part of a general common sense philosophy most people are not aware of, which is:
YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS. YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOUR ACTIONS.
many highly educated and successful people are not even aware of this which is a recipe for misery. it took me 15 years to convince my parents of this simple and common sense philosophy. now they are living more productive, more meaningful life without unnecessary and illogical pain and suffering.
of course you can take actions that will change your feelings but what i'm trying to say is you can't control what you feel towards a specific situation, and you can't change your desire or feeling to take actions that would change your feeling (!@#$%^&*). what i mean is you can work hard to be successful and happy, but the AMOUNT of desire to work hard to be successful is also an inborn core personality. you might say environment is a factor. example a coach can inspire players to work harder. that is true but what i'm saying is each player reacts differently depending on their inborn core personality. in the first place if a person has zero desire to work hard to be successful and happy, then that person probably won't be engaged in any sports. how do you explain 2 siblings growing up in the same environment and one works hard in school while the other is lazy?
i've seen ted talks about neuroplasticity. of course there are things we can do to change our brains. but i think the willingness to improve one's brain is also an inborn trait. i have a strong feeling the examples in ted talks were using neuroplasticiy so that their abilities will meet their standards. neuroplasticity can be used to meet one's standards but i don't think it can be used to change one's standards. neuroplasticity becomes irrelevant if one is already content and happy despite his/her brain deficiencies. i think changing a person's brain to be discontent living in the slums and strive for a higher standard of living could be like changing a gay person's brain to be attracted to women. you are not really solving any problem you are simply changing a person. neuroplasticity is also a double edge sword. we know what happens to war veterans who suffer PTSD. drug addiction is also another example of neuroplasticity.
happiness is not a choice. it's something you are born with. happiness or success is really a measure of how well your inborn competence and abilities match your inborn standards or expectations. example a plumber who is proud and happy with his job is considered successful while a very rich lawyer desperate to become president can be miserable and feel like a failure all his life if he does not become president. of course there is something you can do to be happy but your willingness to do something is also something you are born with.
of course an inborn core personality can change, but even that is also an inborn core personality in by itself (!@#$%^&*). example i was born with asthma. but my genetic code also enables me to outgrow asthma so my asthma was gone when i became an adult. i don't have an example for mental illness, which only proves my point further.
the main point of this blog is there is not much you can do to change a core inborn personality. all you can do is show your love and support for the individual. 99.99% of the time, that is the most you can do. do not consider that a bad thing. consider that a reason to focus only on things you can actually change. STOP PAYING TOO MUCH ATTENTION ON THINGS THAT ARE BEYOND YOUR CONTROL. focus your time and energy on things that are within your control.
let me use homosexuality as an example. although homosexuality is not considered a mental illness, it's a good example. a gay person can force himself to french kiss miss universe, but cannot force himself to be sexually aroused by the kiss. but everyone knows that. what people like my parents did not know is that homosexuality is something you are born with and can never be changed. sounds simple? yet so many highly educated and successful people don't even know this. just watch the movie "imitation game". england is suppose to be a great bastion of tolerance but it's government punished (causing his death) the greatest hero of world war 2 just because he was gay.
it may be possible for a gay person to become straight, but as i said it's due to the genetic code and not the result of someone else's actions or medicine or religious ways,
fortunately homosexuality has no real negative consequences. yet, people who don't believe in this common sense philosophy can still end up being miserable. example, if you have a son who is gay, you will waste your life with disappointments, unnecessary shame and ugly conflicts trying to change or cure your son. but if you know that homosexuality is inborn and unchangeable CORE PERSONALITY, you will accept and be proud and happy of your gay son. such a small and simple common sense philosophy yet it has such a huge impact on a person's quality of life.
fortunately society is getting more and more educated and less ignorant about homosexuality. the problem is we are doing a poor job EXTRAPOLATING this concept or principle to other personalities. we only see and accept the obvious ones - example, we all know not to scold an abnormal child for not doing well in school. when a crazy person tries to punch you, you don't become angry or fight back you simply restrain the person or give him his medication.when someone goes out shooting people for no reason we know that person is just mentally ill. even the victims won't waste their life getting angry at the killer because they know it's just a luck of the draw - like a natural calamity. like dying from a tornado or earthquake.
the good news is that humans already know how to handle or manage the worse case scenario - death. when a love one dies we already have a standard operating procedure - arrange the funeral, mourn, accept, and move on. we don't waste the rest of our life trying to bring back the dead. why not apply this technique to resolving the unbelievable family conflicts?
the main challenge to resolving the unbelievable family conflicts is figuring out if the destructive behavior of a family member is an unchangeable core personality or not. WHY STOP THERE? why not extrapolate this to all kinds of personalities and relationships? as i said, we already figured out many of the obvious ones. the internet is full of information about the well known core personalities and mental illnesses. if you can learn to extrapolate this concept and apply it to all kinds of situations, it can have a huge positive impact on your quality of life - not just on your family relationships but also at work, your friends, your political views and even society in general.
example, i have super smart idealistic friends who are very unhappy living in the philippines because they are so disappointed with the core personality and abilities of the filipino people. in the past they thought the imperfections of the country were caused by bad government, election fraud, powerful elite or oligarchs controlling the press, etc ... but lo and behold internet and facebook comes along and suddenly we have fair elections and total freedom of information and the truth comes out that the filipinos are really just like homosexuals and my super smart idealistic friends are like the ignorant bigot parents living in a bubble. they simply fail to extrapolate their acceptance and understanding of the core personality of homosexuals to the core personality of the filipinos in general. maybe they didn't accept gay people on their own and they just jumped in the bandwagon because it looks like they need a bandwagon to jump into for them to understand and accept unorthodox behaviors and core personalities.
just think of this - i personally know prostitutes living in the slums that live happier lives than some of my close friends in silicon valley who are very talented engineers. but my super smart and idealistic friends don't really care about happiness they just want everyone to live according to their STANDARDS. that's what makes them happy. and that to me is also a core personality in by itself. that is why a person living in the slums can be happier than an engineer living in silicon valley because we all have different standards. i don't think a time will ever come when my super idealistic friends will embrace the core idiosyncrasies of the filipinos and enjoy living in the philippines. just like a bigot parent who will never be happy taking their gay son to ballet or ice skating lessons and posting his achievements in facebook. it's the FAILURE TO EXTRAPOLATE their understanding and acceptance of homosexuality to other types of core personalities, which is the key to resolving the unbelievable family conflicts - you have to be aware and make an effort to identify the unchangeable core personality or mental illness that's causing the destructive behavior and manage your life accordingly to avoid wasted time and energy on hopeless endeavours.
a serial killer can force himself to stop killing but it won't change his intense pain and suffering from the severe urges that can only be temporarily relieved by hurting another human being. so the serial killer is better off murdering someone.
we all are stimulation addicts, we just have different stimulants. jack the ripper was addicted to killing while mother theresa was simply addicted to helping the poor. i am not trying to normalize the great deeds of mother theresa, i'm just trying to lay the foundation that will give you the ability to be aware and understand inborn core personalities.
it's a waste of time trying to talk to a person with mental illness to change their ways. no amount of reason and logic can make that happen. it may work for a while but it will just cause the crazy juices to continue to build up and sooner or later it will just erupt with a vengeance. when my grandfather died my mother's siblings were at peace for a while. it actually worried me because i knew the mental illness will just come back with a vengeance and surely enough my prediction came true.
i am aware this blog is like preaching to the choir. those who will understand and follow my teachings here would have figured it out on their own anyway at some point even if they never read this blog. but it's usually like that, that is why the greatest graduation speech ever was simply:
"ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99, wear sunscreen"
if you don't fall within that "choir" spectrum, then chances are either you won't have a clue what i'm talking about here because your brain is just wired differently, or you will understand what i'm talking about and just be insulted and get angry at me. which is a good thing because if everyone's brains are wired like mine then that would be catastrophic because there are many important jobs or roles in society where it will be disastrous if your brain is wired like mine. example you will be miserable as a parent if your brain is wired like mine, so the human race will become extinct.
inborn traits or personalities have a good purpose - to give us roles in society. even the good or useful traits can have negative side effects. for example, what makes my parents truly happy and make their life meaningful is being a parent. a minor side effect is when their children are all grown up and don't need the same amount of parenting as before, they can't just switch roles or change their core personality. it does not work that way. we humans are not goal oriented. we are role oriented. so instead of celebrating after they successfully raised their children into normal successful adults, there would be a transitional period of adjustment/conflict/confusion. although most of the conflicts during this transition are just harmless and not the ugly conflicts i'm talking about in this blog. example, i just found it funny when my 27 year old sister who was already a registered nurse earning boatloads of money came home from a date and my mother went berserk and started crying profusely accusing my sister of being disrespectful to her and yelling all kinds of nonsense. fortunately the adjustment/confusion/conflict went on for only about 3 years and now my parents and all my siblings are back to having a perfect relationship. as for the case of my social justice warrior friends, instead of celebrating that the philippines has no more dictator and is a much better democracy, they can't help but continue their crusade and end up chasing ghosts, causing unnecessary disappointment and unhappiness.
i'm not a psychiatrist so i will just talk about mental illness in general terms. i'm also not a good writer so you need to make an extra effort to try to understand my point. i think the technical term for the mental illness that is the focus of this blog article is "psychopath" - having symptoms like uncontrollable anger issues, control freak, selfishness, paranoia, manipulative behavior, depression, insecurities, etc.. you can google the term "psychopath" or consult a professional. again, i'm not a psychiatrist so i will just generalize it into simply - "mental illness" or destructive emotional health. anyway, the resolution with regards to family conflicts is the same - AWARENESS - ACCEPTANCE - MANAGEMENT - MOVE ON.
if we can accept the death of a love one, it should be much easier to accept that a love one is mentally ill and can never be cured. the main challenge is the diagnosis part. the good news is that if it's hard to figure out if your love one is mentally ill, that means it's not that serious. they don't really need therapy or a psychiatrist. that means your love one can still function in society and can even be very economically successful and well respected in society. but note that many psychopaths are like that. a psychopath can have many close friends and be very successful.
emotional illnesses usually have CYCLES. some short cycles some long cycles. in america they call it "the dance". when they are in the down cycle hold on and fasten your seat belts for the rough ride. when they are on the up cycle, take advantage of it and enjoy it while it lasts. the good new is that i notice the troughs are much shorter than the peaks. in the case of my crazy aunts they are normal and happy 90% of the time. it's so funny during this time they always try to talk to me and declare they want peace and would be willing to sacrifice and give in for the sake of peace. i just let them talk for hours just to show support because anyway i have lots of spare time (i'm retired and no obligations) but at the back of my head i know it's just a phase and sooner or later the craziness will rear it's ugly head and we are all back to square one.
mental illness is not binary. it's not a yes or no question. emotional/mental health is a scale or spectrum. nobody is perfectly healthy. we all have some degree of mental and emotional issues. you might ask how do you measure it and at what level do you consider a person mentally ill? wrong question. the question is irrelevant. all you need to look at is the CONSEQUENCE. consequence !!! consequence !!! consequence !!! (that is why homosexuality is not a mental illness because there is no real negative consequence. you might say HIV is much higher with the gay community but i say the failure to wear a condom is not homosexuality it's just stupidity that also occurs with straight people).
consider emotional/mental health just like any other physical traits - example is height. you can improve a person's height through good nutrition during childhood but only to a certain extent. genetics plays a much larger factor. same with mental health - a child can be raised in a perfect environment but still end up being a mass murder. i have friends who became drug addicts even if they had the most amazing parents and home environment. here is the most important thing to keep in mind:
IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT.
unfortunately, the blame game is the favorite game of my family. when the normal members of the family get together to try to talk about the family issues, they fall into the common pitfall of playing the blame game, which is useless and unproductive and will do nothing but only cause more problems. because the only thing to blame is the inborn mental illness.
example, in basketball, you don't scold a short teammate for not being able to rebound well. you don't try to convince your teammate to grow taller. you simply assign him as a perimeter defender or a point guard.
that does not mean you just allow the mentally ill family member to step over you or take advantage of you. don't hesitate to resort to legal action. don't feel guilty. it's just something you have to do because of the natural calamity. if you need to go to court, politely and gracefully inform your mentally ill love one that you are just performing your duties and obligations for your kids and it's nothing personal. you will still be there for them whenever they need you.
the diagnosis part is not really that hard. it's mostly just common sense. if they keep doing very unreasonable or illogical acts, that's a sign. example is when they make such a big thing out of something that is suppose to be insignificant or not worth the trouble. in my mom's side of the family, they are vehemently fighting over a property they don't really even need. they are paying the huge price of family relationships, shame in society, etc ...., in exchange for nothing because in terms of economic value, the properties are evenly distributed. it's the sentimental value of one of the properties that they are fighting over. the mentally ill will always try to find some unreasonable justification for their addiction to chaos even if it is clear the root cause is their uncontrollable and painful emotional energy. they will always claim THEY ARE THE VICTIM, they have no fault and what their doing is right.
another sure sign someone has a mental illness is the occasional emotional break downs and rage over something that is not that serious or over something that is expected.
another symptom is that they quarrel with too many people. of course conflicts are part of life. it's normal to get into a feud. you just have to use common sense to know how much is too many.
usually the mentally ill does not have the ability to realize or be aware that they have a mental or emotional issue - that's a pathology of the illness. if they read this blog, they won't understand it. their brains are simply wired differently and they won't be able to follow my flow of logic. we all have our own strength and weaknesses. nobody is perfect.i too have my own mental and emotional imperfections. they also have strength and talents that are very useful to society. as i said we all have different roles.
talking with the mentally ill to resolve the conflict is useless because they don't follow the rules of logic. it's like playing a game where they can just invent and change rules in the middle of the game. do not try to reason with them. you are just wasting your time and energy.
don't make the mistake of making sacrifices to give a mentally ill what they want thinking it will fix their problem. example robin williams had everything - money, fame, love and respect. he was loved by the whole world. he still ended up committing suicide. even if my aunts get everything they want, sooner or later they will find a way to find chaos in their life.
in the final analysis, there really is nothing you should do to fix the problem. the main point of this blog is do not let it get to you or don't allow it to ruin your life. don't feel guilty or sorry because as i said, it's nobody's fault.
i have this theory that if you have a mentally ill love one who is addicted to feuds and conflicts, it is safer for them if you offer yourself as their punching bag. do not cut them out of your life. instead just pretend to fight with them. my grandmother once told me that before she dies her only wish is that there will be peace in the family. i told her that is actually dangerous. it is safer if the family conflicts continue because if not, my crazy aunts will just find conflicts outside the family and who knows what will happen to them.
we were having a party in my grandmother's house and one of the guests was this american who was married to a filipina. we were talking about the family conflicts and the american was bragging how his wife's family also had similar problems and how he fixed or resolved the conflict. he was bragging how he came up with the idea of just buying off the problematic brother of his wife. i told them my theory where it's actually a bad idea because the brother will just end up finding conflicts outside the family and who knows what other people will do to him. they shrugged off or ignored what i was saying. but later in the conversation i asked the american where his wife's brother is now? he said the brother is dead. someone shot him. i rest my case, your honor. but of course their brains are wired differently so they still had no clue what i was trying to say.
there's another common cause of family conflicts that has nothing to do with mental illness. i always feel my parents and their siblings are like children that needs some spanking. they have this mentality where they see a sign "shark infested waters". they swim anyway. then when the shark bites them they come up to me condemning the shark for biting them. in other words, they accuse a family member of "accounting irregularities" without proof or documents. AND THEY THINK IT'S OK TO ACCUSE SOMEONE WITHOUT ANY PROOF or paper trail. that's just plain ridiculous. anyone who is educated should know that every corporation and business should follow basic and standard accounting procedures. of course they think they are the smartest people of the world and they can do no wrong so they think they can just wing it. they are too lazy to follow strict account rules and procedures so of course at some point all hell breaks lose. when they talk to me they are suppose to say something like "ian, so and so cheated and here are the documents to prove it". instead they come to me and just start making accusations without proof. i always tell them, where are the documents or statements that can prove it? when they say there's no documents, i always tell them, THEN IT'S YOUR FAULT. the sign clearly says, "shark infested waters". you swim. the shark bites you. and now you are blaming the shark.
(for more of my knowledge bombs, click the "ian's knowledge bombs" banner at the top of this article and choose any article in the table of contents that piques your interest)
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