when you have the flu you think you should stay away from people so you don't infect them. but actually you should stay away from people so they don't infect you. when you have the flu your defensive walls of winterfell are down and you are open to attack from the lannisters and pneumoniatic bacteria. anyone who is healthy could be carrying the bacteria, but they are not sick because their immune system is like the vale of arryn.
the bacteria that causes pneumonia is frequently around but normally our body is strong enough to fight the infection. but when you have a cold or flu or if you just have a naturally weak immune system your body will be too weak to fight off the infection so you get pneumonia. my grandpa yogi kept getting pneumonia because he was 90+ years old and his body was not strong anymore. my body is still naturally strong enough to fight off the infection but i got pneumonia for the first time in my life because this is the first time where i have a flu and i continued to frolic with bacteria coated critters. SOLUTION: next time i have a flu, ALL BACTERIA EMITTING DIODES STAY WITH THE NUNS until i get well.
to recap, there are 2 types of possible infections when you get a flu:
1) first is the flu viral infection. there is no cure for the common cold (flu). the medicines are really just to relieve the symptoms. luckily the flu virus will leave your body no matter what. that's why i don't even take medicine when i have the flu. i just take lots of fluids, hydrate, and still play golf. i know the stages of my flu operandi like clockwork. sometimes for me the flu is even sort of a weird blessing in disguise because i always feel refreshed afterwards.
2) pneumoniatic bacterial infection. this will surely kill you if left untreated. luckily we have medicines that can kill the bacteria. if you are strong and healthy, you can french kiss someone who has the bacteria and still be ok. but if you have the flu, then the bacteria can give you pneumonia.
my doctor told me my pneumonia bacteria was just ordinary. but in the beginning i had this sudden debilitating pain attack as if someone stabbed my left chest. i screamed soooooooo loud and cursed the heavens. i never screamed so loud in my life. then the doctor came in and gave me the strongest opioid they can find in the entire velez compound. the pain went away
i had another pain attack but this time i was more civil i just clenched my fist as hard as i can and ordered my minions to tell the doctor to give me more of that good stuff. i had a team of about 5 doctors treating me. i swear i felt like a president. i only got confused when my sister in law arrived and told me i should get a pneumonia specialist. i proudly told her i have so many doctors attending to me one of them has to be a specialist but then she told me i'm just a house case. i didn't know what she meant but it kinda sounded like i was the total opposite of a presidential VIP. i questioned the doctor if my pain attack is a normal pneumonia symptom. she said not really. oh shit. got me so worried. i asked her what could be causing the pain attack. she said they will have to do some tests. i had a gut feeling it was the big C. at that point i basically just retreated and accepted my fate. i started thinking i got the big C maybe because i kept ignoring the much bigger C (Christ).
the pain attack came again but this time i noticed the pain attack always happens whenever i start to feel the chills. i told the doctor about my theory. my theory is that i'm just very unlucky that the infection is located near the rib cage. that's why even if i'm not having the pain attack, if i try to take a deep breath, i feel the pain. so i just took shallow breaths. when i get fever, my muscles contract because i feel cold. this causes the infected tissue to squeeze against the rib cage causing the intense pain as if someone stabbed me and causing me to scream like a pig being slaughtered. but that's not the worst part. when i start shivering from the chills, the infected tissue would start rubbing against the rib bone as if someone stabbed me with a knife and started to wiggle it. that's the point where i started to tell god that satan is better than him.
so i told the doctor, in case my theory is correct, if it's ok for me to take paracetamol whenever i start to feel the chills without asking for their approval. the doctor said sure it's not a problem so i told my minions to rush to the pharmacy and buy me some biogesic. BINGO !!! IT WORKED !!! no more dangerous and addictive opiods !!! just the legendary safe biogesic. everytime i start to feel cold i would immediately take biogesic. i could feel the pain starting to intensify at first, in perfect harmony with me starting to feel cold, but then once the biogesic kicks in the pain starts to fade away in parallel with me not feeling cold anymore.
i made sure to tell all the other doctors and nurses i don't need pain killers anymore. because i know that they know that the pain attack is not a normal pneumonia symptom therefore i was worried they were suspecting i'm just an opioid junkee using my pneumonia to try to get a fix and my screams and shouts were just hollywood acting so the doctor will give me the good stuff.
12/13/17 facebook post:
Whew !!! thank you lord !!! Now I can have fun ranting just like my high school schoolmate reviliza. I don’t know why attractive people like me and reviliza evolve to become ranters. That’s a very strange natural phenomenon. i finally got to sit upright in bed so i can use the laptop and not be bored to death. i discovered a technique so i don't have to feel like someone just stabbed my chest whenever i get up or lie down - i add 1 pillow every 5 minutes until i'm upright. the same thing when i lay down but the reverse. The pain subsides after a few seconds and won’t come back as long as I don’t change body position or take a deep breath. But whenever I cough or sneeze it feels like someone just shot me in the chest. With the help of my imaginary God, i finally figured out what's causing this pain and how to prevent it and I’m proud and excited to tell my imaginary facebook friends.
First let me give you the backdrop on why I’m very good at troubleshooting my body defects even if I’m not a doctor. I’ve been doing this since childhood. that’s why when I got hospitalized for pneumonia 2 weeks ago the doctors were perplexed when I told them I had asthma. When they asked me what medications I’m maintaining for my asthma, I told them none. so they asked if my asthma is gone I told them I’m still asthmatic but I don’t get attacks anymore because I know the triggers and avoid them (strong chemical smell, dust, too much heat and humidity and hunger).
mother nature has been my arch rival ever since i got out of my mother’s womb, her goal has been to make me physically suffer to the point of committing suicide. my goal in life has always been to feel like a normal person who does not frequently suffer physical pain. that is why i never look down on anyone. i even look up to taxi drivers or construction workers because they literally are my idols. In fact when a 34 year old construction worker was recently going wild in the barrio because his 12 year old live in girlfriend left him, i did not call the authorities because i had this fucked up feeling he is above the law and could even run for a senate seat in alabama. my entire life has been tailored to kicking the butt of mother nature. my selfish self centered life is actually by design – an intentional strategic decision to give me all the advantage I can get over mother nature.
i googled the possible causes of chest pains. turns out there are 19 different causes. i went over each one and the one that closely fits my bill is called COSTOCHONDRITIS. it’s not really a health concern it’s just like migraine and all the different kinds of painful defects I’ve had since childhood (i’m starting to realize mother nature does not want me to die because it will end my suffering and she wants to continue to enjoy watching me suffer). however it explained why i was screaming like a pig being slaughtered when I had pneumonia because it aggravated my costochondrities by orders of magnitude. my thesis was confirmed by a doctor after they looked at my x-ray and lab results. just like asthma or migraine, the doctor can only give me medicine to relieve the pain and inform me of all the possible triggers but only I can do the actual troubleshooting. lazily depending on painkillers will ruin my kidneys and kill me. or I could go to manila and spend P300k to let that doctor in makati medical center do the troubleshooting for me. They said he would put me in different diets and environmental conditions and perform many lab tests and measurements each day and record the data in the computer where an artificial intelligence program will attempt to find patterns to determine the cause and workarounds for my migraine. pretty slick. my doctor golfing buddy who told me about this new approach to medicine told me to google “functional medicine” to learn more about it.
I was about to go to manila whe I discovered by accident that pineapple was the solution to my migraine. Maybe through the guidance of other celestial spirits at odds with mother nature my mom kept buying pineapple and I started to notice that whenever I eat pineapple my migraine would subside. I googled it turns out pineapple contains bromelain trinidad – a miracle medicinal enzyme provided by mother nature to make Hawaiians happy to compensate for the US colonial occupation. That’s gotta piss off mother nature because I’m using her enzyme to give me the competitive edge.
I’ve had costochondritis since I was 20+ years old. I never went to the doctor because I had a strong feeling it was cancer. My philosophy is that if I go to the doctor and they tell me I have 3 months left to live, then my life is practically over because I won’t be able to enjoy the remaining 3 months. But if I don’t know I have cancer then at least I get to enjoy my remaining 3 months as a bonus.
The article I googled said that overuse of the arms can trigger costochondritis. That’s the clue of the century. Because I started golf right about the same time I started having costochondritis. I notice my costochondritis flares up when I hit too many golf balls in the driving range. So I did an experiment. My costochondritis was almost gone when I went to the driving range a week ago to hit 150 balls and it came back with a vengeance and I was back to square one. That confirms my theory. Problem solved. Mother nature just got knocked out. Yesterday, my costochondritis was almost gone so I watched Coco in imax. I was still crying after the movie so many scholars ran away from me because they were embarrassed. While waiting for them outside the imax theatre there were these massage chairs, P50 per 15 minutes. I tried it out and when we got home, I had the hugest costochondritis attack ever in my life. I checked googled and it turns out repeated MINOR trauma to the chest walls can also trigger costochondritis. EUREKA !!! now I know the prevention and workaround. I should not get a massage or hit golf balls until I’m fully well. And I should not hit too many golf balls.
and here's the final kicker - it says another cause for costochondritis is bacterial and viral respiratory infection - which explains why i was screaming like a pig being slaughtered during my pneumonia 2 weeks ago. since i figured out how to avoid pneumonia, as i wrote in my blog "pneumonia retrospective", this solves the final piece of the puzzle.
this concludes this battle. time to dig trenches and prepare for the next battle. BRING IT ON !!!
(for more of my knowledge bombs, click the "ian's knowledge bombs" banner at the top of this article and choose any article in the table of contents that piques your interest)
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