cebu beach resort hack

instead of spending P5k a night on a beach resort,  me and the delos crew only spend P800 a night for a nice aircon room pension house right next to our ancestral house in aloguinsan (a relaxing 2 hour drive on my 30 year old tesla). when we want to go swimming we take a 10 minute fun pump boat ride to a nearby white sand beach called hermit's cove. the boat dock is just 50 meters from the pension house. the pump boat rent cost only P300 for half a day. we usually go around 3pm when the sun is already mild enogh to swim and snorkel for 2 hours. 

i've been to all kinds of beaches all my life and what makes hermit's cove so spectacular is that it's the only one where during low tide, the water level at the edge of the coral reef cliff is only up to my waist. if you look at the drone photo i downloaded from google maps, that area where the water suddenly becomes dark blue is a 90 degree cliff. imagine wading in the water during low tide and all of a sudden it drops hundreds of feet. there's also a beach similar to this in moal boal just 40 kilometers away but it's around 2 meters deep before the drop. my family used to go to that beach in moal boal when i was a kid and it was the shallowness of the water before it suddenly drops that always fascinated me. i didn't know the whole time there is a beach in my home town in aloguinsan that is much shallower before you plunge into the abyss. if you look at the drone shot, that's actually not normal. normally there's a green area at least 10 meters wide before it becomes dark blue. i used to boast to my friends and classmates that the green in moal boal is only 5 steps before it plunges into an abyss so we don't need to ride a boat to go cliff snorkling - we just swim a few feet. but this freak beach in aloguinsan does not even have a green. it just goes straight from grey to dark blue. i don't even have to swim to go snorkling at the cliff. i simply walk then dip my head in the water to enjoy the colorful wonders of the flora and fauna near the edge of the cliff. 

sometimes you can see sea turtles swimming away for their life as fast as they can. i didn't know anything could even swim that fast and quick. however in nearby moal boal, the sea turtles swim around humans (although it's possible they were domesticated for tourism purposes). then one night my babygirls went spear fishing with them and they sent me a video of them eating a sea turtle. i went crazy. i told them you idiots !!! the reason why the fishermen in oslob and moal boal can now afford to buy multi-cabs and motorcycles is because they don't kill their exotic wild life so they make lots of money from tourism. 

at first i wondered how in the world did they catch a very idlas sea turtle? sometimes i tag along on a rubber boat when my cousin and his friends go spear fishing at night (i'll post some photos when my iphone 8 arrives because my water camera has a very poor flash). i noticed their spear is very short range so i asked how in the world can they manage to catch that many fish and squid? at first i was teasing them that maybe they are just shooting fish already caught in a fish trap so they are just stealing fish from a trap they don't own.  turns out at night, the fishes become docile or i guess they get blinded by the flash light so my cousin will just shoot them point blank. so i challenged him that it's not really hunting it's more of a massacre. he told me if i will buy him a long range spear gun he can hunt during day time. i asked how much is the long range? he said P7k. i didn't want my relatives to get an idea that i'm loaded or i can just throw money around so i told him i will save up some money and maybe in 2 months i can buy him a long range spear gun. he is just a 16 year old kid but he is the only one educated enough to do errands for me in the city assessors office for my lola's properties which i'm trying to subdivide for my uncles so i don't have to go there just to get a tax dec. also i always rent the pump boat from his best friend named yal for very cheap. 

i also realized i'm already old and out of touch with the times because yal looks like a tribal warrior or a clone of lapu-lapu but one time while driving the pump boat he was crying. the reason he was crying was because my 15 year old nephew dumped him. then his barkada was consoling him. if that was my generation we would beat him up for being gay. i feel ashamed for my trumpish generation.

we put our cellphones, wallets and keys in a zip lock bag and secure it in a water proof snap lock tupperware. then we carry it in a polyester string bag together with the snorkel and food provisions such as water and banana. don't use a bag with a zipper because sea salt will ruin the zipper even if it's plastic. the house in the background of the top right photo is our ancestral house right next to the pension house we stay at. at the beach you can usually buy newly caught fish, have it grilled and wash it down with sanmig-heavy (i'm starting to learn nobody sells sanmig-light in the province). you can also buy banana-cue for a delicious healthy dessert.

there's  another beach called hidden beach. it's just 2 kilometers or 5 minutes by car from the P800/night pension house. it's also 10 minutes by pump boat but they don't allow bancas or pump boats to park (i wonder what will happen if you dock a pump boat or banca in san francisco bay right in front of the famous lobster restaurant (the one with lots of noisy seals and walruses) - all the filipinos will probably be cheering and other nationalities won't have any idea what's going on. or if you drive a sarao jeepney in highway 101 i'm sure all the pinoys will be honking their horns).  it's a blessing in disguise we have to go to hidden beach by car because just like the delos crew i always enjoy paddling around a mangrove forest and my tesla is like SV delos - the trunk always has an inflatable dinghy wherever i go even in the city (so i don't have to load and unload whenever we go to the beach). actually everything i need for the beach is always kept in the trunk so i can go to the beach anytime without having to pack or get ready.  actually whenever i need to do an errand in toledo for my family's properties i just go straight to aloguinsan afterwards and stay overnight because it's just an additional 30 minutes drive (except that one time when an appraiser went with me. the appraiser was shaking his head because he just appraised my family's property worth P480 million and we were riding in a very junky old car. the folks at tax mapping also laughed at me because it's the first time an owner of a property worth that big came to them for help locating the property). i never have to worry about my tesla getting rusted from the sea salt on the rubber boat. no. my tesla does not have anti rust technology, it just has anti rust worry because it's 30 years old meaning the depreciation curve has already hit rock bottom long long time ago. hahhaha !!!  my tesla also has anti theft feature - the thief will run away from it because it looks so ugly. i never have to lock my tesla because the cable that opens the trunk broke so the trunk containing my stuff can only be opened using the keys. check out the breathtaking simultaneous sunset and moon rise (just like one of the episodes in delos). the mangrove forest is where the locals secretly refine the oil they stole from the pipelines (i still can't get my head around that yt video "deadliest road nigeria").

the only thing left to hack is the eats. luckily, the mercado is just 50 meters away from the P800/night pension house where there's good karinderias and fruit stalls. they serve fresh fish, guso (seaweed salad), and my usual karinderia faves such as pochero, lechon kawali, etc ... one of the servers is also yummy but not yet legal. they also have this kinason dish with the shells removed which fascinates me because they serve it by the plenty like rice and it's very cheap. it's also commonly served in regular karinderias or even pungko pungkos in cebu city. i find it fascinating because logically kinason should already be depleted and expensive by now considering the explosion of human population. i suspected they are farmed or commercially produced so i guugeled it and found out they are actually wild and still collected along the shores. it's like that favorite of my scholars called saang or spider shells being sold at midnight food streets in colon for only P5 per 3 pieces. just like oysters, saang also fascinates me because the shells are thick and hard like rocks. i feel it takes millions of years to grow so by now only super rich people should be able to afford saang. saang also gives a very unique and mind blowing aftertaste that radiates through my nostrils. it's one of the reasons why  i can't live in america anymore because i get depressed whenever i think about these eats. because of the pandemic the mercado closes at 10 pm but a bakery nearby is open 24 hours where i usually buy those korean cup-a-noodles and pandesal for my midnight snack.

the neighborhood is a nice place to walk around. my walking route starts by enjoying the beautiful ocean views of the baluarte, 100 meters from the pension house. when i was a kid, this baluarte used to make me feel like i was in a haunted place. the ambience is like one of the scenes in game of thrones or harry potter because of the ancient stones covered with moss. not to mention the haunted tales like the one where a woman committed suicide and she would sometimes appear as a white lady. cliche pa more? nowadays i'm more mesmerized by factual history. luckily i can just read rafael ruflo's facebook posts. now the baluarte has been renovated maybe for safety reasons because the stairs were quite unstable. but they still preserved a few of the old ruins, enough to give me a nostalgic feeling. my walking route also passes by the church, then cemetery. i conclude my 30 minute walk with fresh ocean breeze at the pantalan (dock). walking is very important for our health and happiness. what makes us feel good is not really material wealth, relationships or social status but the serotonine produced by beneficial bacteria in our gut. you can promote beneficial gut bacteria growth by walking at least 30 minutes a day, eating prebiotic rich foods such as fruits and vegetables and probiotics such as sauerkraut and kimchi. you should also avoid processed sugar because it kills your beneficial gut bacteria. if you don't do these things, all your efforts to acquire material wealth and social status will be useless because you will be highly prone to emotional and physical suffering. for more information, read https://ian-crystal.blogspot.com/2020/10/make-filipinos-healthy-again.html

i remember part of my walking route is the route my uncles carried my great grandfather (lord salo) like a king during the funeral procession of my great grandmother (lady minggay)  34 years ago (1987), which was the last time i visited house salo and minggay. i returned because i had dreams and visions of my grandparent's realm being gradually engulfed by dark forces and only the psychopath wits i learned from lord tyrion can combat and repel the dark force. check out the now and then photos. oh my how times have changed. the same exact spots barely has any resemblance. tall trees have blocked the ocean view from casterly rock (top right photo). roads have been built with funding from the iron bank.  you won't believe the name of my uncle who is now the head of house salo - his name is joffrey. i swear i'm not making this up. except he is a good guy. his personality is opposite that of joffrey baratheon. house salo is in good hands. my main battle is in the vale of toledo and the red keep in cebu city. the future of the 9 kingdoms lies in my hands. here's a recent photo of lord joffrey (left), lord maldo (center). and me. lord maldo is also in the throwback photo above (top left) carrying my great grandfather.

i like to play this music during my walk - 

also this music: CELESTE LEGASPI - Gaano Ko Ikaw Kamahal

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update 10/24/21: aloguinsan fiesta

i now have a much higher admiration for my schoolmate sanjay saroopdas. my tesla not only has an attachable rubberboat it also has an attachable bicycle. so this weekend when i went to the fiesta of my ancestral town aloguinsan, i biked to the cemetary on top of the mountain to pay respects to my great grandparents and dead relatives. it was a very steep grueling climb. my objective was to reach the top of the mountain. it's suppose to be impossible for me as i'm out of shape but i used physics to lessen the amount of power required to accomplish my goal. i spread out the energy by going like 3 inches an hour and zigzagged to lessen the steepness of the slope. i did accomplish my feat, fueled by smiling faces of cute barrio lasses and was rewarded with breathtaking sceneries. but now i have a higher admiration for my schoolmate sanjay and jesse who can bike up to busay non stop without getting down from their bike. what's more amazing is they can do this twice in one day. on my way down i thought i was teleported to russia because i heard russian disco music playing. i recognized it because i'm fluent in russian. товариш got moves yo !!! (watch the video version in the following post). i stopped by the church to light a candle in honor of my old friend and fellow warrior archangel raphael who happens to be the patron saint of the town. but as i neared the entrance, the holy water started boiling violently. then when i lit the candle the fire suddenly became so big and people were running away from me screaming in horror because they thought i was a demon. luckily the fire station was just accross the street and the firefighters were able to put out the fire just in time. when i arrived at our ancestral house i celebrated with some wheelies. i fell down one time (check out the video) and started to feel sad but luckily my first degree cousin (who is a teenager which means i'm still young), was singing "even the best fall down sometimes". except my childhood friend titus tagalog who never falls down. i swear he used to do a wheelie non stop from his school in abellana all the way to guadalupe. he was the #1 bmx rider of cebu. when i got home i also sang "even the best fall down sometimes". for more tips on how to enjoy beach resort luxury if you are a broke loser like me who has no job, search "ian's knowledge bombs" on the web and click "cebu-beach-resort-hack" in the table of contents.

i just realized a big coincidence. my 17 year old cousin singing in the video lives in the same house my childhood friend titus used to live in 43 years ago.

(for more of my knowledge bombs, click the "ian's knowledge bombs" banner at the top of this article and choose any article in the table of contents that piques your interest)